Death of Insanity
by Kioku
Summary: This fic features Duke Dermail and Colonel Tsubarov, romantically involved. Mostly a series of flashbacks to various points in their relationship, it also includes both of their deaths. *Seinen ai*


Death of Insanity

Death of Insanity

By Kioku

Tsubarov looked sadly into his lover's face.

"Why?"he asked simply.

"You know I cannot leave Romefeller.They need me too much.Without Treize or I, there would be noleader.I cannot leave.And neither can you," Duke Dermail added gently."Without you, who would build the mobile dolls?Who would rid the Foundation of obstacles like Lady Une?"

"…"

Dermail sighed.He'd done it again._You'd think that after 20 years together, I would know not to push him too far._He knew what he needed to do.

"Gomen."He hated apologizing to anyone, but he could not leave this fight unresolved."I didn't mean to make you angry."

Tsubarov sat there silently.

_ _

_Damn.We can't afford to have a fight at this stage in the game.Romefeller is poised to take over Earth and outer space, and friction between two officials could be disastrous.I have to make up to him, but how?What *did* I do, anyway?I can't agree with him all the time, and he knows it!What is he doing now?_

Tsubarov got up, walked to the door, and half turned."In all the 20 years we've been together, I have never been this insulted."

And with that, he walked out of Dermail's life forever, leaving no more than the memory of a name whispered to the wind.

**********

(2 days later)

"My god.I can't believe he's dead."Dermail sunk his head into his hands.His secretary had just informed him of Tsubarov's death.

No.This cannot be happening.I survived once, but not again.No, never again.I can't go on living this miserable existence.It was hard enough the first time, and then I had Tsubarov to help me.Without him, I would have been able to die.But now, it is he who has died.After we had fought, no less.I will never get a chance to make it up to him.I find myself longing once again for death.Last time it was he who stopped me and persuaded me to change my course.Now, I have no family left.No one who cares about me even enough to stop me from dying.Though I suppose that that is a good thing.If they did, I would have a hell of a harder time getting out of this. 

He looked around his office to see if he had anything suitable, and his eyes landed on the quill pen on his desk.It was more for custom then practicality.He used it only to sign his name on official documents.The point, however, was very sharp.Sharp enough for…

He turned his wrist over to look at the scars he had given himself last time…

_ _

**********

_My wife.She's dead. The inevitability_, the finality of it hit him._Death.Death is the end.When you die, that is it.The Christians believe that after death, you go to Heaven or to Hell.The Pagans go on about rebirth and reincarnation.But it is all lies.There is nothing after death.People do not meet one another again after death.But I cannot live this way.I need to escape.My wife is gone forever._

_ _

The distraught widower went to the kitchen where he pulled out a carving knife.It was the one he used on holidays to cut the meat.Taking a deep breath, he held it to his wrist, and cut the vein.As his blood poured out, he fell to the ground.

My love…

**********

As he prepared to die, Dermail stripped his upper body.He placed his right hand in the left part of his chest, finding the spot where the pulse was strongest and easiest to find.This was where the pen would enter his body.

He took a deep breath and picked up the quill, turning it so the point was pressing against his skin. As he prepared to push it into his heart, the door to his office burst open.

"Grandfather!What are you thinking?" 

"D-dorothy?Why are you here?"Dermail tried to smile, but failed miserably.The expression on his face looked more like sorrow than mirth._I had forgotten about women.About how strong they are.It has been so long since she left me behind…_

"I came as soon as I heard about Tsubarov.I knew you would try to do something like this.Grandfather, how could you?Suicide is so dishonorable!"

"I cannot live this way.Dorothy, please."

"Grandfather!"

"Please let a broken old man die in peace."

**********

_ _

"Please, Tsubarov.Let me die."

"No!If you die, than so do I.I-I love you, Dermail," he faltered.

He loves me?!How can this be?He's just trying to make me feel guilty.That must be it.He doesn't really love me. He can't! For heaven's sake, we're both *men*!

_ _

From the expression on Tsubarov's face, he realized he must have said that last sentence out loud.

"I'm sorry. I should be going.I'll send John in to watch you.Please, forget any of this happened."

Well, I guess that takes care of dying until I get this mess straightened out.

**********

"Dorothy, please.Let's see if *you* want to live after you lose someone who you loved with all your heart."

Dorothy seemed taken aback.Good.

"Grandfather, you seem to have misunderstood me.I didn't say you *can't* die, only that you can't commit suicide.I remember how I felt when Father died, though I know that that was nothing compared to what you must feel.I know that you want to join him after-"

"Iie.After death, one dies.There is no reunion with lost lovers."

"You don't know that.You've never died before."

Dermail had to chuckle at that.It was a bittersweet sound.If only that were true.If only…She is so naïve.The times we live in have gotten to her, and she lives only for the fight.But the kindness she has in her rejects this, and so she must believe that there is life after death.If she didn't, the conflicting forces would tear her apart.

"Granddaughter, if I do not kill myself, then who will?Unless I turn myself over to the Treize faction, which is even more dishonorable than suicide, no one will kill me."Isn't it ironic that I am discussing so calmly the ways I have of dying with my granddaughter, who is very much alive, and has many, many more years left to her.She is so much like him.

"Grandfather, you do still have control of the OZ space force, correct?"

"Yes…"

"I think that you should go out to space.You can get yourself killed in battle."

"Along with how many countless innocents?"

"Why, I didn't think that would matter to you, as long as you got to die."

"You're right Dorothy.As usual."It seems that I *don't* care who else dies in order for me to fulfill my dream.Dorothy has more insight than I would have thought.Even if those people have known love, I do not know them, and therefore don't care.

**********

"My God, Tsubarov, you can't!I love you too much to risk losing you."

Tsubarov turned and looked at him with a peculiar expression on his face."You love me?"

"Yes.I do.You've been my anchor for so long that I've fallen for you.And I won't let you die on me now!"Dermail crossed the room and grabbed Tsubarov's face, kissing him fiercely.Unlike many of their other kisses, affection on the part of Dermail was present.

By that evening, Tsubarov was finally able to call his love his lover.And Tsubarov didn't leave to fight a losing battle where he would have been killed.

**********

Dorothy was startled, but not really surprised, to see tears falling down her grandfather's cheeks.With all he'd been through…

She turned to leave, sure that now he wouldn't be so bent on killing himself.Though if he did… well, the grief on his face was enough to show her that true love was hard to come by, and should be treated with respect and deference to wishes when encountered.

Dermail was happy enough to be left alone with his memories.He wanted so badly to leave.To die.Dorothy is a fool.She thinks that I will be okay.I will never be okay.I have never been okay since she…However, I suppose that, as my last living blood relative, I should at least listen to her wishes.I'll update my will since Tsu-chan isn't here to receive my possessions, and I have his as well.Then, I *will* die, and nothing in an imagined Heaven or on Earth can stop me.I think I will follow Dorothy's advice and head out to space.

**********

"Do you have to leave me?" he asked, knowing the answer already."I know that you loved him, but still…Can't I at least come with you?I hate being away from you, even for a day."

"No.I do not want her spirit to be angry with me for finding a new love.And I *must* go to my son's funeral.If I were not to go…"Dermail trailed off."But always remember that you are my koi."

Before he left, Tsubarov hugged him tightly, simply reveling in the awareness that this perfect man let him do this.Even to a casual observer, it was obvious that they were deeply in love.The unguarded looks on their faces would make all but the coldest of hearts feel happy for the two of them.

As Dermail was on a train traveling to his son's funeral, he thought about his lover.He loves me so much.I truly do not deserve him.He should have one who isn't running.Because I know very well that that is what I am doing.My death has been postponed.Merely postponed, for I *will* die someday, after him.Until then, I am running from my wife.Running from the anger I know she would feel if she were watching me from someplace…But she isn't.I don't know why I get the feeling that I am constantly under her scrutiny, but I do.My wife was a great woman.She could brighten a gloomy day, and when the stress of being a member of a secret organization grew to be too much, it was always her who was there with a warm towel and a story.She was all any man could ask for.The day she died…He shuddered.It was a stormy day, and she was outside with her baby trees.Talking to them, telling them they could make it through this challenge.One of the branches from a larger tree fell…She looked awful.Even after they washed off the blood and put in support for her head.She looked unnatural.I have heard that dead people look like they are sleeping.She looked dead.When she was still alive, she was tolerant of everything.Or, almost everything.The only thing that she couldn't stand was homosexuality between two men.She could handle it if two women were in love, but not two men.Maybe she recognized the way that Tsubarov looked at me and knew she had competition.I don't really know why.I loved her very much.And now, I have to be around my family.They know that Tsubarov and I are more than just friends, but no one wants to bring it up.That's fine with me.I don't want to talk about it.All I want to do is to die.But I cannot leave him behind.He has grown to mean more to me than anyone except her.And I know that he was serious when he said he would follow me if I died.I cannot share this death wish with anyone, especially not him.It is too much of a burden.For a soldier, this is an inappropriate feeling, yet I cannot quench it.I want to die.

**********

Dermail looked down upon Earth as his shuttle took off for outer space.Farewell, Mother.From you I came, and to you I shall soon return.Dorothy, I know you understand, so goodbyes would be useless.

"Sir.There are several mobile suits ahead."

"What are you waiting for?Send out the mobile dolls!"

"Yes, sir!"

As the manned suits and the mobile dolls fought, one suit managed to get a shot aimed at Dermail's craft.

As it exploded, he said, "This shouldn't be.Why must I die like this?"I have wanted to die for so long, but now that I finally am, I find myself wanting to live.I suppose that, in the end, it is a basic instinct to want to survive. 

**********

_ _

Dorothy was watching the scene from the Romefeller Foundation's headquarters.As she watched her grandfather's ship explode, she yelled, "Grandfather!"Turning away from the awful sight, she added, "I won't cry, dear Grandfather.You were just magnificent, because, in the end you departed this world as a courageous soldier, in battle."_I know that you have wanted this death for many, many years, and I won't hold a grudge.Now, finally, you can be with Grandmother again.I know that you don't believe this, but *I* do.I wonder what Tsubarov and Grandmother will say when they meet each other…Farewell, dearest Grandfather.May you rest in peace at last._

_ _

_ _

_ _

This is a product of my warped imagination.Actually, if you've made it this far, you must have an extremely strong stomach.

I wrote this to protest the attitude that everyone has concerning yaoi.People generally enjoy reading fics involving only young, handsome guys.Dermail and Tsubarov are obviously *not* young and handsome.So, there's motivation.

I know, they're really OOC, but…They did it themselves!They wouldn't stay in character.Never fear, though, they're being punished.

*Screams are heard in the background.A few words can be made out, such as, 'Barney!', 'Teletubbies…', 'Relena.Please, not Relena!', and 'Dr. J and Pro. G?I did *not* need to see that!'*

Ja ne!

Kioku 


End file.
